My life isn't what most would call interesting. I'm not bold. I'm not a risk taker. Hell, greener? I'm afraid there might not even BE any more grass on the other side. I'm a pessimist to the core. An average looking guy floating around on the feather of destiny. At least thats how Forrest Gump would put it. Or was that Marty McFly? Now, I don't want to sell myself short. In fact, I'm too damn tall to be doing something like that. I'm fairly intelligent and very perceptive of other people's feelings. Other people's feelings come so far before mine, that I just end up shoving mine deep down and forgetting about them. Shit, my feelings grab a PB&J and hitch hike to san fran. I guess that's where all of my problems start. But I'll be damned if that's where they end.
I judge myself too harshly. I ride the self pity train everyday straight to the bottom of the metaphoric bottle. Hell, the worst part of it all is that I realize these faults but continually do nothing about it. You know what, hell, I bet if I put on a few pounds and took care of myself I might just be a ladies man. I might respect myself a little more. But.. any psychiatrist would probably say it all starts with my family. Childhood always has something to do with how you view yourself, right? I guess that may be true, but who the hell doesn't have family issues?
I guess I'll rant a little about my family. I love em to death, couldn't ask for a better family. But, that doesn't mean we're perfect. I'm the younger of two sigblings. My brother is the white horse in a family of brown. That's to say, he's the first to go to college in my families history. Not only that, without actually giving it his all, hes a top dog in the intellectual world. Kid's smart. Hell, his kindergarden teacher didn't like him because he refused to use blue to color the sky. He had to have more of a "teal sky blue" as he would put it. No, I'm happy for him, I really am.. but living up to his educational fame has been a pretty overwhelming task. I't wasn't too hard back in high school. I got by just fine. Granted.. succeeding at my school wasn't exactly rocket science. Well, I guess I never gave myself enough credit for my accomplishments. I missed 60% of my Junior and Senior classes and still graduated with honors. That's good right? Or how about sleeping through the SAT's. Wait..
I guess i'll jump back on track here. My father.. well, my dad. Father sounds so damn strange. Let's put our relationship into perspective. I haven't hugged the man in 15 years. Why? I don't really know. I respect him and love him as a person, but hes always been a very private person. Any feelings you have.. you keep it to yourself. This is probably the reson why I never express mine today. When i'm in an intimate conversation with a girl, I feel very uncomfortable expressing my real feelings. I freeze up.. I break the conversatino with humor. "Blake, I could lay here with you forever." "Uhh, hey that Bill Cosby's a funny guy don't you think?" I think thats one reason my relationships fail. I can't communicate my feelings the way I want because I grew up holding them in. I can only blame myself though. People can change.. just takes a little effort.. some grease if you will. Now, my mom. What a great woman. We think nearly just alike. She is the one person I can talk to about everything. And.. she understands. Ok, Ok, enough of this sappy shit.
What is really eating Gilbert Grape? What's really grabbing me by the balls is the fact that I want everything now. I want to hit the fast forward button on my life. I'm hardly a selfish person.. I don't mean it to sound that way. I just want love and happiness, as the great soul man himself Al Green would say. Is that too much to ask for? I've completely shut myself off on love. I've come to the realization that there is nothing I can do about it until I completely respect myself. I have to do that before i can attempt a serious relationship again. Now, since my relationships seem to hit the fan, I guess I at least need a career.. and I keep saying that to myself, but if I hadn't dropped out of school things might be differnet today. College isn't for everyone.. sorry, that's bullshit. If you've got drive, you should go to college. There is no excuse.
So at this point, how do I gain my own respect? Well, the way to judge that in my eyes, is to succeed in somthing I love. What do I love to do? Hell if I know. Te only thing that really makes me happy, is writing. I can't see make a career in writing.. where's the money in that? Show me the money! No, I really honestly don't give two shits about money. I've never had it.. my parents have never had it. So why should I care about it? Maybe I'll just keep writing and see if I win a Nobel.. Ha.
So, what else? Construction? Warehouse work? That's the only other thing I'm good at. Manual Labor. Fuck labor. I'm better than that. Not to say it's not a respectful job. It is completely. It's just not me. Is there anything I can do about it? Sure, but im not getting any younger. I'm damn near 22. Then I hear my mom, "Blake you're still young you've got plenty of time to figure it all out I'm sure you'll be fine." Thanks mom, but the past few years have gone by in a week. But hey, overall I guess I'm pretty dang happy. Afterall, I've got some really great friends. Granted, most live in different states at the moment...but I've still got em. But hey, there comes a time in everyone's life where people go their seperate ways. It's the way shit works. Seems a lot of that has been happening lately though.... Life's a bitch.
Oh, and I'm trying to quit smoking. There's another shitty attempt at change. Quit smoking.. eat healthier foods... move... GO BACK TO SCHOOL. Hey, that sound's like a good start. I'll get right on that. All's I have to do is pack up and leave all my friends again. But hey, that is one thing I am really great at.
Well, after all is said and done, a hell of a lot more has been said than done. Murphy must of been a smart man.
By: Blake Priest
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